don
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Post by don on Sept 25, 2021 22:57:55 GMT -5
I wanted to relay something that happened to me today that struck me deeply. In order to explain it’s meaning, some back story is in order. We lost my oldest son last fall. When I say lost, he went missing on October 13th. He was dropped off at a bus station by the person he was living with, because he was belligerent and had worn out his welcome. He was in an intoxicated state, without his glasses, not dressed for the weather, no cell phone. That was the last anyone ever saw of him and no one heard from him after that. We began searching near the location he was last seen, weeks and weeks of family and friends looking. Weeks turned into months. On Feb. 4th at 10:30 PM we received a call from the coroner. His body was found about a half mile from where he was dropped off. He had probably passed away the night he was dropped off or very shortly after. The coroner could not determine whether or not it was from an overdose, exposure or a seizure. He was prone to some bad seizures over the years. His remains were in a state, such that we could not see him. (Weeks later I read the autopsy report and it was easily the most difficult thing I have ever done, except for keeping it together for 15 minutes talking to the coroner on that horrible night)
We went through a battle with my son’s wife over the disposition of my boy’s remains. Instead of being able to grieve properly and begin the process of funeral and memorial service arrangements, she had all sorts of flaky ideas of what she wanted done. They were breaking up at the time he went missing and she did some horrible and hurtful things to him that may have contributed to his downward spiral. She should have had zero say in anything. With the council of a good friend who is also one of our pastors, we concluded it was best to stop fighting her and just went ahead and planned his memorial service for the good of the friends and family and so we could be at peace. She was not included in the proceedings however, as this would have really caused even further injury to loved ones. Months later she gave his cremains to her father to give to us along with the death certificate necessary for us to inter him in the memorial garden nearby. We haven’t done that yet, we are still trying to return to some sense of normalcy. I know that I will never get to that point entirely. Maybe 2/3 of the way is good enough?
My commute to work each day passes within 50yds of where Jacob was found. The first month back to work was tough. I would be in tears every day for much of my drive and seriously considered a longer route to work, because it was that stressful. That did not seem right however. I say the Lord’s Prayer every time I go past the spot, and I talk to my son. Every time. I will never fail to do so. With passing weeks I found I could deal with it better each time I passed the spot. I did get blindsided a couple of weeks ago when driving past and it was like no time had gone by at all. I was barely functional when I arrived at work. With all his problems, weaknesses and the trouble he caused us over the years, I loved my oldest son more than even I realized until I lost him. My boy deserved better than the bad hand he was dealt. The neurological, mental health and addiction issues were a battle he ultimately lost. I feel like I failed him. I wish I had told him how much I loved him the last time I saw him. I will regret that until I die. Now on to what happened today.
I was fishing on Grand Lake in Colorado today with my other son, Jake’s little brother Aaron. We had a beautiful day for it and each of us were in our own fishing kayak on opposite sides of the bay on the east end of the lake. We had both had a bite or two but had caught no fish in several hours of fishing. I suddenly had the urge to offer up the Lord’s Prayer, which I did aloud. I then started to talk to Jacob, as if he was there with me. I recalled how much he loved fishing and how good a time he would be having if he was there with me today. I finished what I had to say and cast my line again. Halfway through the retrieve, I got a hit. I waited a second and when the fish hit again, I set the hook. I brought in a beautiful little ten inch rainbow trout. I had to let him go. I don’t have it in me these days to take the life of anything. After letting the little trout go, I was struck by the thought that I had been communicated with. I am still pondering what happened and while some may say it is purely coincidental, I believe otherwise.
My son, Jake would have been 32 this past June. I think of him every day. Many times a day. I always will. Thanks for taking the time to read all of this.
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Post by trailboss on Sept 25, 2021 23:09:27 GMT -5
I am so sorry to hear what has transpired in your life, as the old saying goes, “One of the most painful things that can happen is for a parent to have to bury their child, it isn’t suppose to be that way.”
Do not question your role in his passing, if you attempted to help him with his issues, and he was an adult making his own choices, it is really out of your hands. Legally, it is very difficult to prevent someone from ultimately making bad choices.
The Lord’s Prayer is an excellent way to seek divine guidance and comfort, in that regard I hope that it can give you some measure of comfort and peace.
My prayers are with you and your family, Don. Let the experience guide you on getting the most out of life with your loved ones.
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Post by Ronv69 on Sept 25, 2021 23:21:23 GMT -5
I have a son that age who is about to be hugged. Don, we are here for you, Anytime.
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Post by oldcajun123 on Sept 25, 2021 23:35:04 GMT -5
 I grieve for you.🙏
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Post by sloopjohnb on Sept 26, 2021 7:16:21 GMT -5
Don, As a young guy myself who has dealt with issues like this and have experienced familial pain and suffering as you have mentioned above I can wholeheartedly say YOU have NOT failed him - it's alright - I know it's tough and may take years to resolve but if you have faith and do not believe this life is the end of existence(trust me it isn't and you don't have to even be religious to know it) everything will be just fine. You need to stay strong and get through. He needed to work out his time on earth the way that it panned out - no one is exempt Life is hard; for all of us. Couple that with emotion and addictions of being incarnated. All in all stay in it for your son and for yourself.
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Post by sperrytops on Sept 26, 2021 12:12:19 GMT -5
Don, so sorry to hear about your son. It's one thing to read about something like this in the news, another when it happens in your own family. Grieving is difficult. If you want to talk we're here to listen.
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Post by Darin on Sept 26, 2021 12:38:12 GMT -5
Words escape me, Brother ... all the best to you and your family.
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don
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Post by don on Sept 26, 2021 22:37:08 GMT -5
Thank you friends for all the kind words, prayers and advice. There is much wisdom, fellowship and compassion amongst you all. I know where my boy is, I am a firm believer in heaven. He is no longer tormented or suffering. It really is hard knowing I won’t see him grow as a man, we won’t have grandkids from him, although he and his wife lost one to a miscarriage. It gives me solace to think that I have another grandson awaiting me in the afterlife. God bless you guys. Sincerely.
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Post by Legend Lover on Sept 27, 2021 4:02:37 GMT -5
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, Don, and the tragic circumstances in which it happened, and the background to it. I also need to ponder what happened yesterday too. Coincidence or not, it was a powerful moment for you.
I don't want this thread being derailed over religious comments, especially given the poignancy of your post, so I won't go into anything deeper (despite my profession). However I'll move my own thoughts to a private chat.
Suffice it to say that you're in my prayers, brother, as you seek to come to terms with this loss. It's something that you'll never get over, but I hope you'll find the strength to get through it.
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don
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Post by don on Sept 27, 2021 6:12:38 GMT -5
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, Don, and the tragic circumstances in which it happened, and the background to it. I also need to ponder what happened yesterday too. Coincidence or not, it was a powerful moment for you. I don't want this thread being derailed over religious comments, especially given the poignancy of your post, so I won't go into anything deeper (despite my profession). However I'll move my own thoughts to a private chat. Suffice it to say that you're in my prayers, brother, as you seek to come to terms with this loss. It's something that you'll never get over, but I hope you'll find the strength to get through it. Thank you, Andre.
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Post by zambini on Sept 28, 2021 13:49:30 GMT -5
I'm sorry for your loss.
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Post by pepesdad1 on Sept 28, 2021 17:00:45 GMT -5
Words can't convey my thoughts...so I'll just pray for your peace and healing and know you will see him again in the afterlife.
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RDPipes
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Post by RDPipes on Sept 28, 2021 19:58:51 GMT -5
I'm sorry for your loss Don, I can't even imagine what I would do if I lost my daughter. The only thing I know to help you with what your going through is something I think you already know. Godspeed sir!
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don
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Post by don on Sept 29, 2021 7:55:14 GMT -5
Thanks gentlemen. I appreciate it.
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Post by Goldbrick on Sept 29, 2021 10:04:41 GMT -5
Thank you, Don , for sharing this with us. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your story gave me pause, this morning, to thank the Lord for the blessings he gives me ,instead of complaining of the daily issues of getting older. I believe if the love and faith in your heart is strong enough, visits from loved ones who have passed can happen, it's happened to me , It's a gift of reassurance from a power much stronger than we can imagen.
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Post by Gypo on Sept 29, 2021 10:31:15 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing on here. You can share anytime you feel like.
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buzz
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Post by buzz on Sept 29, 2021 19:06:19 GMT -5
A heartbreaking story. So glad you felt inclined to share. I'm told it's healthy to keep telling our grief stories. Helps us find better days.
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don
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Post by don on Sept 29, 2021 20:52:00 GMT -5
Probably true. The moments on the lake praying, talking to my boy and then catching the pretty little trout will stay with me. And remind me of the better times with him. It’s pretty up and down for me some days. I am not likely to go to a grief counselor, but my wife thinks I need it. We will see.
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don
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Post by don on Oct 2, 2021 14:29:30 GMT -5
Threw my back out and have another truly terrifying family crisis we are trying to resolve. Pray for us, guys. We need all the help we can get right now. The year from hell continues.
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Post by Ronv69 on Oct 2, 2021 14:43:37 GMT -5
Threw my back out and have another truly terrifying family crisis we are trying to resolve. Pray for us, guys. We need all the help we can get right now. The year from hell continues. We have you. You can deal with it. (I started to say that we have your back) Prayers happening.
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Post by trailboss on Oct 2, 2021 16:24:27 GMT -5
Will do, Don....I know where you are at, let's hope the coming year is better.
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don
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Post by don on Oct 2, 2021 17:15:24 GMT -5
Thanks guys, I sure hope and pray for that. We have really had two rough years. Thank God my grandson’s health improved and he is developing relatively normally. His first year of life had some real scares for his folks and us. In the past year I have lost: a good neighbor to cancer, my uncle to it as well. Then a friend from work to sleep apnea of all things. He was only 36. Then my son shortly after that. A young friend at work drowned while fishing at the far too young age of 25 in April. Shortly after that one of the young airmen who had been with our group killed himself. My oldest and dearest friend had a cancerous kidney removed. Another good friend was put into a medically induced coma and nearly died from COVID. It was touch and go with him all Spring. A few weeks after that the man who gave me my evaluation when I joined the company over twenty years ago, had a seizure and died at 54. I jump every time the phone rings. Pray, grieve, work, sleep, pray, grieve, work, sleep. That’s it right now. Smoking a cigar and drinking coffee right now. Waiting to see which way the current issue goes. Don’t want to say what that is right now, but thanks for any prayers or well wishes. Endeavoring to persevere……
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Post by trailboss on Oct 2, 2021 20:44:00 GMT -5
Wow, that is an overwhelming amount to deal with… the last two years has had at least a couple decades of tragedy squeezed into it.
Hang in there, prayers will continue on your journey.
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don
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Post by don on Oct 3, 2021 5:45:00 GMT -5
Thanks Charlie.
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Post by CrustyCat on Oct 4, 2021 1:57:40 GMT -5
I hope your year gets better
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Post by urbino on Oct 4, 2021 2:53:16 GMT -5
I haven't been able to figure out what to say, Don, so I haven't said anything, which was a mistake.
You said Jacob would be 32. When I was 32, just before Thanksgiving, I was in an ICU, dying, and my parents and brothers and their families had been called in by the doctors to say goodbye. I could see the grief in my parents' faces, especially, when they came in. What I saw was no more than a tiny drop of what you've been going through, and I saw what it was doing to them. I didn't know Jacob, obviously, but we had some things in common, I think. He wants to see you heal and move past your grief. I hope you can do that for him, as quickly as possible.
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don
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Post by don on Oct 4, 2021 12:41:12 GMT -5
Thanks, Kevin.
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don
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Post by don on Oct 4, 2021 12:51:43 GMT -5
Urb, my wife and me are both pretty strong in our faith and know we are slowly healing. I think your advice is good and very true. Jake would be upset to see how much his loved ones were hurt by his loss. I am not into mysticism and supernatural happenings, but several things have happened to me in the past two months that have really jolted me and got my attention. One of my other children recently was saved from circumstances that very well could have killed them or led to serious harm. A total stranger intervened and probably saved my child’s life. Very unusual circumstances and the person who intervened was a street person who was pretty high. And yet he still cared enough to help my daughter and probably saved her life. I am viewing people, society and my whole world completely differently than I was a year ago. Eight days from today is the one year anniversary of my son’s disappearance. I intend to remember him by doing something special. I haven’t decided what just yet. Thanks for your thoughtful comments and advice.
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Post by qmechanics on Oct 7, 2021 6:37:15 GMT -5
Hi When I led the single life, before marriage and having two daughters of my own, I had a couple of friends whose son or daughter had died. While I certainly felt and understood some of their pain, today and for the last 8 years, I have come closer to comprehending the great loss and suffering you have experienced. Frankly, your experience hits me like a ton of bricks. I trust God that my daughters will be safe and that I will be the father that they need. For what it is worth, you have done us all a good service and have inspired each in his own way to dig deeper and to love more dearly. No words can express your sorrow don ….. Though I am not in a position (And hope & pray I never will be) to say I understand, I do feel the pain more acutely and am sincerely sorry.
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don
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Post by don on Oct 7, 2021 9:58:17 GMT -5
Thanks Q. Be the best Dad you can. Those daughters are a blessing. I used to joke with my girls that after the first couple of kids were boys, the only reason we kept having kids was to get a daughter, so we had someone around to change our diapers one day. 😉
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