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Post by oldcajun123 on Mar 3, 2016 20:38:13 GMT -5
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills? "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.” You gotta Love Grandma THE NICE MAN BECAME IMPATIENT A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!" BIOLOGY EXAM: Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A. WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ....38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then point at your watch and say times up? A RIDE IN THE TAXI A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes". After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
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Post by oldcajun123 on Mar 3, 2016 20:40:25 GMT -5
Sorry for the Double Post Gents, Navagation is new to me on this site, you can laugh twice?
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Post by sparks on Mar 3, 2016 21:10:46 GMT -5
Haha. I'll delete the other one, Brad. No worries.
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Post by papipeguy on Mar 3, 2016 21:35:54 GMT -5
Cute ones, Brad. I'll use them.
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tastail
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Post by tastail on Mar 4, 2016 7:46:43 GMT -5
Ha. I like those. Thanks for sharing.
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Post by stvalentine on Mar 4, 2016 15:23:29 GMT -5
Hahahaha Brad - priceless!
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Post by stvalentine on Mar 6, 2016 10:07:02 GMT -5
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"
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Post by oldcajun123 on Mar 6, 2016 11:25:23 GMT -5
Frank you made me laugh.
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Post by philobeddoe on Mar 6, 2016 14:00:55 GMT -5
Thank you both Brad and Frank, good stuff!
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charl
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Post by charl on Mar 7, 2016 6:27:09 GMT -5
Yip, thank you both! Made my day!
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Post by stvalentine on Mar 7, 2016 12:20:38 GMT -5
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
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Post by stvalentine on Mar 9, 2016 17:04:15 GMT -5
Intelligent jokes:
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative.
But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.
The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
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charl
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Post by charl on Mar 11, 2016 2:35:56 GMT -5
Good ones!
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Post by antb on Mar 11, 2016 3:55:24 GMT -5
Frank!
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Post by papipeguy on Mar 11, 2016 20:18:34 GMT -5
A guy goes to visit his 95 year-old father in the care facility and notices a new bottle pills next to his bed. He looks at the label and it says "Viagra". He asks his father about it and the old man says, "I don't know what it's for but they make me take one every night." Somewhat distressed the guy calls a nurse to explain this. He says to her, "The man is too old for sex, why is he taking these?" The nurse looks at him and says, "They're aren't for sex. they're to keep him from rolling out of bed.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2016 21:36:30 GMT -5
I heard one just the other day from a Pastor of all people that is moving into the house next door and I thought it funny.
A pastor was upstairs in his home in bed for the night and heard some noise and came downstairs to see a burglar. He shouted, "What are you looking for!" and the burglar replied, "Money!". The pastor said, "hold on a minute I'll get my robe on and help ya".
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2016 21:41:24 GMT -5
Intelligent jokes: An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.” What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist? An etymologist knows the difference. A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
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Post by stvalentine on Mar 12, 2016 4:48:22 GMT -5
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charl
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Post by charl on Mar 12, 2016 5:18:43 GMT -5
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Post by fadingdaylight on Mar 12, 2016 9:21:45 GMT -5
Good stuff here guys. Keep it coming. I've been reading them off to my wife even.
A man is driving 90mph in a 55 zone when he crosses a bridge. A cop on the other side sees him and pulls him over. The officer asks the man "Sir, what seens to be the hurry?"
The man replies, "Officer, there has been an emergency at work, I have to get there right away."
The officer asks the man what his job is. The man replies that he is a rectum stretcher.
"A rectum stretcher?", the cop asks, "what the hell is that?"
The man says,"well, we insert a small plug into a patients backside and leave it there for two weeks. Then we move up to a larger plug. We repeat this process over and over until finally, the patient has a six foot asshole."
Cop asks, "What on earth do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
Man says, "Typically you put it at the end of a bridge with a radar gun."
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2016 10:40:45 GMT -5
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Post by stvalentine on Mar 12, 2016 11:33:29 GMT -5
That´ll have consequences......
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Post by Darin on Mar 13, 2016 0:06:32 GMT -5
Jason ... that one caused spittle to hit the screen! An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "seven points!". His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown! Tie score..." After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7" Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got ... and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
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Post by sparks on Mar 13, 2016 7:14:55 GMT -5
This may have officially become my favorite thread. Thanks for the laughs guys.
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Good Jokes
Mar 14, 2016 18:59:47 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by fadingdaylight on Mar 14, 2016 18:59:47 GMT -5
A woman received a Valentine's Day card last month from her lover in prison. It affectionately stated "I love you so much I stapled your picture to the back of my cell mate's head".
Anyone know why former Subway mascot Jared tried to call Boyz 2 Men? He thought it was a delivery service!
A woman asked police to escort Jared from a local beach recently, stating that he was in her sun.
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Post by Darin on Mar 14, 2016 23:16:24 GMT -5
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
Yes, What can I do for you?'
I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.
Thank you very much for the call, sir.
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but; find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
Yeah!'
Did they chop your firewood?
Yep!
Happy Birthday, buddy!
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Post by antb on Mar 15, 2016 5:28:31 GMT -5
Cool one cobguy!!
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puffadder
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Post by puffadder on Apr 14, 2016 8:57:37 GMT -5
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge says "First offender?"
She says, "No, first a Gibson!, then a Fender!"
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