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Post by bigwoolie on Feb 18, 2020 13:28:02 GMT -5
Man, aint that the truth! |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2020 14:02:45 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2020 14:04:03 GMT -5
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Post by isett2860 on Feb 18, 2020 14:31:52 GMT -5
Why is it that socks and underwear come in resealable bags,
And Potato chips don’t?
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Post by isett2860 on May 7, 2020 20:46:40 GMT -5
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Post by Ronv69 on May 7, 2020 21:04:43 GMT -5
That is so right now, and I love it. |
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Post by isett2860 on May 8, 2020 14:17:55 GMT -5
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Post by Darin on May 17, 2020 18:34:05 GMT -5
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
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Post by Ronv69 on May 17, 2020 22:33:32 GMT -5
That's the problem with tequila. 😎🤠
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Post by trailboss on May 17, 2020 23:17:17 GMT -5
That was hilarious, Darin.
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Post by Ronv69 on May 18, 2020 12:44:39 GMT -5
This was sent to me by a friend:
Subject: Observations from Day 56
I hope they give us two weeks notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair, and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.
New monthly budget: Gas $0, Entertainment $0, Clothes $0, Groceries $2,799.
Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVI D-19, but to stop eating.
We low maintenance chicks are having our moment right now. We don't have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been training for this moment my entire life!
When this quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.
I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on the scale."
Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 8 weeks.
It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear its going to take a vineyard to home school one.
You know those car commercials where there's only vehicle on the road? Doesn't seem so unrealistic these days.
They may open things up next month -- I'm staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.
Day 56: The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.
Appropriate analogy: "The curve is flattening, so we can start lifting restrictions now. Or could it be..... "The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now."
People keep asking: "Is corona virus REALLY all that serious?" Listen y'all, the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing, it's probably pretty serious.
Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.
I am home schooling. On the first day, I tried to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I am putting a drink in each room of my house today and am calling it a pub crawl.
Okay, so the schools are closed. Do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house?
For the second part of this quarantine, do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us? Asking for myself...
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bishop
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Post by bishop on May 22, 2020 19:19:24 GMT -5
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Post by Darin on May 22, 2020 20:12:42 GMT -5
Whoa!
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Post by trailboss on May 22, 2020 20:30:50 GMT -5
Can I bring my monkey to your pad? He hasn't shot anyone..yet. |
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Post by Darin on May 22, 2020 20:41:35 GMT -5
Heck yeah ... I'll scrounge up the old rubber circus pants!  |
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bishop
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Post by bishop on May 26, 2020 19:13:13 GMT -5
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Post by isett2860 on Jun 3, 2020 21:38:35 GMT -5
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Post by oldcajun123 on Jun 4, 2020 9:16:50 GMT -5
 When the Monkey got the AK, I knew it wasn’t gonna end well!
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Post by Gandalf on Jun 5, 2020 13:42:21 GMT -5
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Post by Gandalf on Jul 18, 2020 16:47:02 GMT -5
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Post by isett2860 on Sept 25, 2020 7:33:15 GMT -5
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Post by isett2860 on Oct 26, 2020 12:57:56 GMT -5
Which one is YOUR favorite? Today I'm #3.
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
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Post by bigwoolie on Oct 26, 2020 13:33:35 GMT -5
I dont want to scare anybody...but Mad Max took place in 2021
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jay
Junior Member
Edward's Pipes....only Edward's pipes....and Buccaneer in the bowl
Posts: 442 
First Name: Jay
Favorite Pipe: Edwards handmade
Favorite Tobacco: Buccaneer, Special Balkan, Scottish Moor
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Post by jay on Oct 26, 2020 13:43:45 GMT -5
I've spent 8 months wearing a mask and eating candy. I think we can skip Halloween this year.
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Post by Legend Lover on Oct 26, 2020 14:59:40 GMT -5
Which one is YOUR favorite? Today I'm #3. 1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison 2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it. 3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight. 4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles. 5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late. 6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. 7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. 8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative. 9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers. 10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?" 11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing. 12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever. 13. I run like the winded. 14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on. 15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?" 16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery? 17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited. 18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east." 19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out. 20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops. 21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb. They are excellent. |
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Post by Ronv69 on Oct 26, 2020 16:37:20 GMT -5
When the Monkey got the AK, I knew it wasn’t gonna end well! I liked the ending a lot! 😁 |
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Post by isett2860 on Oct 27, 2020 21:34:20 GMT -5
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Post by Plainsman on Oct 27, 2020 22:33:28 GMT -5
Apologies if this has already appeared here...
A rabbi, a Methodist minister, and a priest walk into a bar.
The bartender says “What is this a joke?”
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Post by mrlunting on Oct 28, 2020 11:27:48 GMT -5
A guy walks into a bar... Ouch!😊
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Post by isett2860 on Oct 31, 2020 9:51:38 GMT -5
Happy Halloween 2020!  |
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When the Monkey got the AK, I knew it wasn’t gonna end well!
