Jokes so bad they're good

Did you hear about the fight at the candy store???

The lollipop got licked......😜😂


Hickory dickory dock..........oops can’t finish that joke on here....gotcha!

Old Cajun sitting on fence post, Texan in big F250 throws the brakes on, gravel everywhere, gets out and says this your spread. Old Coon says proudly Yes Cher all 100 acres. Texan takes off his big hat scratches his head and says When I go on my ranch I can go in my truck all day till I get to the end of it. Old Coon says I used to have a truck like dat but I got rid of it..!

Damn this fog, I can barely see my own cataract!

Do you know why farts stink?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

I knew I going to regret opening this thread...

Whenever we walked past the graveyard my Great-Aunt Elmyra always used to say: "You know how many dead people there are in there?"

We'd say: "No, Elmyra. How many?"

Elmyra: "They're all dead."

That last one is a bit of a belter! I worked as a funeral director and never heard that before!

Hahahahahahahahaha

A guy was visiting his aged father at the senior home and noticed a bottle of Viagra among his other meds. He approached a nurse and asked why his 94 year-old father was taking Viagra for he was too old for that that type of activity.
The nurse replied, "It's to keep him from rolling out of bed."

What do you do if you're swallowed by an elephant? Run around in circles til you're all pooped out.

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

A marine biologist goes to see the vet who treats his exhibits and says,
"Doc, I can't seem to keep my porpoises alive. Two days after they get delivered off the fishing boat they die. What can I do?"
The Doc thinks for a moment and then gives the man a business card, telling him,
"You need to see an Alchemist. They are into turning sea water to gold, potions to keep you alive, among other things."
"Gee, thanks Doc." He immediately goes to see the Alchemist, one Vinnie Boombah, who listens to his plight and then says,
"I can give your porpoise immortality. Just follow these directions and recipe, feed it to your porpoise, and it will live forever."
"Gee, that's wonderful, doc. I can't wait to give it a try." As he leaves he looks at the instructions. It mentions infusing the blood of a Myna Bird. Now where would he get a Myna Bird. It dawned on him that one would be found at the state zoo. They have a bird house where the birds can fly around uncaged.
He puts on his hat and overcoat, figuring he can stuff the bird into one or the other. Then he heads to the zoo. He gets to the zoo and looks at the map. He has to go past the elephant cage, then the lion den, and the bird house will be right there. He passes by the elephant cage with no problems. As he passes the lion cage the sleeping lion wakes up and roars at his sight. He will have to think about how to avoid that. He looks around and sees a path that goes over the den along the rocks and ledge. That will be how he leaves.
He makes it into the bird house and looks around. Of all things to happen, a big, black Myna Bird lands right on his hat. He reaches up and grabs it. It squawks, but he stuffs it under his coat. In the darkness the bird goes to sleep.
On his way out he looks for the path above the lion den. He heads out and over. He is almost all the way past when the lion wakes up again and roars up a storm. He races towards the exit gate, but there he is taken down and handcuffed.
He was read his rights and arrested for....
Transporting a Myna over the State Lion for Immortal Porpoises.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."