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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2018 15:48:14 GMT -5
I’m slow today, can you explain this better...thanks.
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Post by Legend Lover on Sept 5, 2018 15:48:57 GMT -5
Sorry...
How does moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2018 15:50:02 GMT -5
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
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Post by Legend Lover on Sept 5, 2018 16:03:13 GMT -5
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de brie.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2018 16:11:42 GMT -5
Paddy, I still wouldn’t go to France for the fondue party.....lol
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Post by trailboss on Sept 5, 2018 23:01:55 GMT -5
"Grandpa, Grandpa..do your frog impressions"
Grandpa: 'I don't do frog impressions|"
Grandkid: "Grandma said that when you croak, we get to go to Disneyland"
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2018 8:07:37 GMT -5
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
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Post by Legend Lover on Sept 6, 2018 8:59:06 GMT -5
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!" Excellent. I might pass that on to some of my golfing buddies. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2018 9:00:57 GMT -5
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!" Excellent. I might pass that on to some of my golfing buddies. Might save their bloody marriage ......lmao |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2018 17:57:16 GMT -5
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."
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Post by Legend Lover on Oct 7, 2018 10:43:57 GMT -5
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
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Post by Legend Lover on Oct 7, 2018 10:50:16 GMT -5
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
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Post by Legend Lover on Oct 7, 2018 10:55:24 GMT -5
Last one for a while...
What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2018 11:16:03 GMT -5
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
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Post by Legend Lover on Oct 7, 2018 12:33:36 GMT -5
I couldn't resist this one...
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2018 14:03:09 GMT -5
Q: Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um.
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Post by jeffd on Oct 7, 2018 14:20:51 GMT -5
A six year old boy told me two jokes that i rather like:
What is a glider? A glider is an airplane that flies without flapping its wings.
What happened to the duck when he flew upside down? He quacked up.
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desolbones
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First Name: Greg
Favorite Pipe: Briar, Clay,Cob, Meer, Metal and Morta.
Favorite Tobacco: Searching
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Post by desolbones on Oct 7, 2018 18:17:44 GMT -5
A dyslexic walks into a bra............
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Post by pepesdad1 on Oct 7, 2018 18:55:21 GMT -5
This is the funniest group I have ever seen...really should put this in a book.
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Post by addamsruspipe on Oct 7, 2018 19:38:32 GMT -5
When Sean Connery moved to Hollywood after his career took off a friend of his took him to his first baseball game. So they are sitting along the first base line and the batter hits the ball and sprints down towards to first base. Sean jumps up and yells run, run, run. Next batter gets up and hit the ball and Sean jumps up again and is yelling at the batter to run faster. Third batter comes up and gets walked, Sean is jumping up and down yelling at him to run. His friend tell Sean no he walked. Sean looks at him in confusion. His friends says he walks, he got four balls. Sean looks back at the batter and yells, walk prouldly man, walk prouldy.
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Post by jeffd on Oct 7, 2018 20:17:32 GMT -5
A dyslexic walks into a bra............ DYSLEXICS UNTIE!!! |
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Post by ChewsUrOwnAdventure on Oct 9, 2018 13:27:30 GMT -5
My kid was explaining her math lessons to our dog...
Her: One time anything is just itself! So one times four is four! One times two is two! One times taco is taco!
Me, interrupting: Hey do you know what two times taco is?
Her, fearing the answer to come: No....
Me: TACO TUESDAY!
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Post by Darin on Oct 9, 2018 19:10:32 GMT -5
I know this guy who "kinda" has a beard and "sorta" lives in Pennsylvania ... he's Am-"ish".
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Post by LSUTigersFan on Oct 9, 2018 20:02:38 GMT -5
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting on the tailgate of Boudreaux's old trunk. Boudreaux was lamenting how he would never be able to sell his truck, as it had 250,000 miles on it. Thib said "Mais, take dat ol' truck to mah brother's garage, He can work dat thing what dey call an odometer and make it go backwards so it ain't be so high. Den, you can sell that truck and get you a new one." Boudreaux, who was extremely cheap, did just as Thib had suggested.
A few days later, Thib ran into Boudreaux still driving his old truck. Thib waived him down, and Boudreaux stopped. Thib said, "Boudreaux, I thought you was gonna get rid of this ol' truck?" Boudreaux said "Why would I get rid of it? It's only got 10,000 miles on it."
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Post by Legend Lover on Oct 10, 2018 2:32:05 GMT -5
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting on the tailgate of Boudreaux's old trunk. Boudreaux was lamenting how he would never be able to sell his truck, as it had 250,000 miles on it. Thib said "Mais, take dat ol' truck to mah brother's garage, He can work dat thing what dey call an odometer and make it go backwards so it ain't be so high. Den, you can sell that truck and get you a new one." Boudreaux, who was extremely cheap, did just as Thib had suggested. A few days later, Thib ran into Boudreaux still driving his old truck. Thib waived him down, and Boudreaux stopped. Thib said, "Boudreaux, I thought you was gonna get rid of this ol' truck?" Boudreaux said "Why would I get rid of it? It's only got 10,000 miles on it." haha. I like that one. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2018 6:03:50 GMT -5
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
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Post by LSUTigersFan on Oct 10, 2018 8:26:56 GMT -5
I wanna die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather…… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. One of the greats!! |
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Post by ChewsUrOwnAdventure on Oct 10, 2018 12:42:07 GMT -5
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting on the tailgate of Boudreaux's old trunk. Boudreaux was lamenting how he would never be able to sell his truck, as it had 250,000 miles on it. Thib said "Mais, take dat ol' truck to mah brother's garage, He can work dat thing what dey call an odometer and make it go backwards so it ain't be so high. Den, you can sell that truck and get you a new one." Boudreaux, who was extremely cheap, did just as Thib had suggested. A few days later, Thib ran into Boudreaux still driving his old truck. Thib waived him down, and Boudreaux stopped. Thib said, "Boudreaux, I thought you was gonna get rid of this ol' truck?" Boudreaux said "Why would I get rid of it? It's only got 10,000 miles on it." Just get some FlexSeal Cajun Navy Edition and instantly triple the value of that old truck up to $20: |
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Post by puffy on Oct 11, 2018 14:14:44 GMT -5
A fella bought 2 dogs.He named them Rolex and Timex..They're watch dogs.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2018 14:22:19 GMT -5
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
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