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Post by oldcajun123 on Jul 31, 2019 12:15:01 GMT -5
 Subject: PONDERISMS Why do peanuts float in a regular coke and sink in a diet coke? Go ahead and try it. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it’s only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going? (taxes) Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? (priorities?) Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Why is “bra" singular and "panties" plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? HOW DID THE MAN WHO MADE THE FIRST CLOCK, KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS?
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stone
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Post by stone on Jul 31, 2019 12:29:41 GMT -5
That was worth every second! I laughed out loud several times!
Is this a ponderism?
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Post by puffy on Jul 31, 2019 12:34:32 GMT -5
Great Reading
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Post by Legend Lover on Jul 31, 2019 12:43:03 GMT -5
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Mac
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Post by Mac on Jul 31, 2019 13:37:19 GMT -5
Good stuff. Reminds me of this:
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
~ Stephen Wright
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stone
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Post by stone on Jul 31, 2019 13:41:24 GMT -5
Good stuff. Reminds me of this: "I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met." ~ Stephen Wright "I was seeing this beautiful girl for a while, then they took my binoculars away" ~ Larry The Cable Guy
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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2019 13:44:35 GMT -5
The Dean of Ponderisms was Yogi Berra.
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stone
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Post by stone on Jul 31, 2019 13:56:01 GMT -5
The Dean of Ponderisms was Yogi Berra. You gotta love Yogi's sayings!
For golfers, Ben Hogan said "The game of golf is 90% mental and if you figure that out you have half the game licked" Sounds goofy but just shows how much the game is between the ears.
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Post by pepesdad1 on Jul 31, 2019 14:36:14 GMT -5
That was worth every second! I laughed out loud several times!
Is this a ponderism?
YES!!!! |
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Post by pepesdad1 on Jul 31, 2019 14:36:41 GMT -5
Love this one..."does morality come from morons?"
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Post by addamsruspipe on Jul 31, 2019 20:53:53 GMT -5
I really needed a good laugh. Thanks for posting that. 🙁
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Post by kxg on Jul 31, 2019 21:34:11 GMT -5
George Carlin was also a master of this category of truths.
Thanks @oldcajun!
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orley
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Post by orley on Jul 31, 2019 21:39:48 GMT -5
Brad, good grief, now I'm going to have trouble going to sleep thinking about all that stuff! I still love it though, some fun things to consider, and a good laugh too.
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Post by Dramatwist on Jul 31, 2019 22:28:09 GMT -5
...thoughtful ruminations, Brad... you could be a stand-up comedian...
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Post by simnettpratt on Jul 31, 2019 22:31:40 GMT -5
Those were great. I'll play:
We live in a society so removed from nature that natural survival skills are a recreational hobby.
Dryer lint is the average color of your laundry.
Nothing rhymes in sign language.
The whole point of a book's cover is so people can judge it.
If you live in a city, you've probably seen the same pigeon twice.
Doorknobs on bedrooms are more of a communication tool than a security measure.
Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same.
Banjos are guitars with a southern accent.
Girls are friends if they like each other. Guys are friends unless they dislike each other.
Live in a car and people feel sorry for you. Live on a boat and people envy you.
Think about the arguments the first color blind person had.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2019 23:52:18 GMT -5
After reading those, Brad, I am going to sleep like a baby.
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Post by Legend Lover on Aug 1, 2019 4:45:18 GMT -5
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Post by pepesdad1 on Aug 1, 2019 7:36:09 GMT -5
Really good comments and addition, simnettpratt.....many thanks! I keep typing things backwards is this a sign of old age or just plain bad typing...something to ponder.
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Post by Low and Slow on Aug 4, 2019 11:06:44 GMT -5
That was great guys, thanks! Wife and I just had a nice chuckle together!
Are any of these from Mitch Hedburg? He’s a good one liner comedian if y’all haven't heard of him. Similar to Stephen Wright in delivery.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg
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Post by Darin on Aug 4, 2019 11:26:09 GMT -5
That was great guys, thanks! Wife and I just had a nice chuckle together! Are any of these from Mitch Hedburg? He’s a good one liner comedian if y’all haven't heard of him. Similar to Stephen Wright in delivery. An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Mitch Hedberg
Mitch was amazing … severely troubled guy but genius comedy.
Isn't it bizarre how many people who's job it is to make others laugh are so internally unhappy themselves?
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Post by Legend Lover on Aug 4, 2019 14:36:53 GMT -5
That was great guys, thanks! Wife and I just had a nice chuckle together! Are any of these from Mitch Hedburg? He’s a good one liner comedian if y’all haven't heard of him. Similar to Stephen Wright in delivery. An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Mitch Hedberg That's brilliant. He sounds a bit like demitri Martin. He is a genius at observational comedy. |
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Post by Darin on Aug 4, 2019 16:20:40 GMT -5
Demetri Martin … another awesome one!  I love his flip-boards and piano ramblings. LOL |
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Post by simnettpratt on Aug 4, 2019 16:34:16 GMT -5
Mitch Hedberg is my all-time favorite comic. I have a whole 20 minute set of his jokes memorized.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be f*ucked up.
The reason I like his jokes is because not one of them is a joke; they're all statements.
So I was at a casino and a guy comes over and says, 'Sir you're gonna have to move, you're blocking the fire exit'. Like if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run! Dude, if you're flammable and you got legs, you ain't never blocking no fire exit!
Statement, not a joke. They're all like that.
On a traffic light, red means stop, green means go, and yellow means slow down. On a banana, it's just the opposite: green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the f*ck did you get that banana at?
My favorite comic of all time. If you didn't know he ODd on coke and heroin in 1995 and died.
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Post by pepesdad1 on Aug 4, 2019 17:20:32 GMT -5
Mitch Hedberg is my all-time favorite comic. I have a whole 20 minute set of his jokes memorized. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be f*ucked up. The reason I like his jokes is because not one of them is a joke; they're all statements. So I was at a casino and a guy comes over and says, 'Sir you're gonna have to move, you're blocking the fire exit'. Like if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run! Dude, if you're flammable and you got legs, you ain't never blocking no fire exit! Statement, not a joke. They're all like that. On a traffic light, red means stop, green means go, and yellow means slow down. On a banana, it's just the opposite: green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the f*ck did you get that banana at? My favorite comic of all time. If you didn't know he ODd on coke and heroin in 1995 and died. Was a common source of death back then. |
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Post by Legend Lover on Aug 4, 2019 18:01:37 GMT -5
Mitch Hedberg is my all-time favorite comic. I have a whole 20 minute set of his jokes memorized. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be f*ucked up. The reason I like his jokes is because not one of them is a joke; they're all statements. So I was at a casino and a guy comes over and says, 'Sir you're gonna have to move, you're blocking the fire exit'. Like if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run! Dude, if you're flammable and you got legs, you ain't never blocking no fire exit! Statement, not a joke. They're all like that. On a traffic light, red means stop, green means go, and yellow means slow down. On a banana, it's just the opposite: green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the f*ck did you get that banana at? My favorite comic of all time. If you didn't know he ODd on coke and heroin in 1995 and died. I just watched 43 minutes of him on YouTube. He's hilarious. Never heard of him before. |
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Post by Stearmandriver on Aug 6, 2019 0:31:22 GMT -5
The last one, the one in all caps about the first clock maker knowing what time it was... that one is actually answerable, if anyone's interested in nerdy astronomical history  . |
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Post by LSUTigersFan on Aug 6, 2019 12:38:42 GMT -5
Mitch Hedberg is my all-time favorite comic. I have a whole 20 minute set of his jokes memorized. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be f*ucked up. The reason I like his jokes is because not one of them is a joke; they're all statements. So I was at a casino and a guy comes over and says, 'Sir you're gonna have to move, you're blocking the fire exit'. Like if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run! Dude, if you're flammable and you got legs, you ain't never blocking no fire exit! Statement, not a joke. They're all like that. On a traffic light, red means stop, green means go, and yellow means slow down. On a banana, it's just the opposite: green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the f*ck did you get that banana at? My favorite comic of all time. If you didn't know he ODd on coke and heroin in 1995 and died. I just watched 43 minutes of him on YouTube. He's hilarious. Never heard of him before. Saw him years ago as the headliner with Lewis Black. |
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Post by Ronv69 on Aug 6, 2019 12:55:45 GMT -5
If you didn't know he ODd on coke and heroin in 1995 and died. Wikipedia says he died in 2005 at age 37. I was looking to see if he was in the Forever 27 Club, which he would be in if he died in 95. Of course, Wikipedia is sometimes wrong. |
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Post by simnettpratt on Aug 7, 2019 3:58:56 GMT -5
Mitch is to me the stand up equivalent of Gary Larson. Unique, edgy and brilliant. Comedy needs to be edgy.
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Subject: PONDERISMS
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