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Post by Dramatwist on Apr 11, 2019 22:54:58 GMT -5
From an early age, I was an avid camper/backpacker. Too old now.
Over the years, whenever someone would "cut the cheese" on the trail, usually somebody would come up with something silly:
"Did you hear that? A barking spider!"
"There must be water around here... I just heard a duck."
"Did you step on a toad?"
"I brush my teeth with the river sand
Comb my hair with a tree
Wash my face whenever it rains
And I let my wind blow free"
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Post by trailboss on Apr 11, 2019 23:04:56 GMT -5
I was having my hand sutured after accidentally walking through a plate glass patio door...plate glass...as the doctor was suturing my hand, a woman a few rows over was being extremely dramatic in the ER, screaming like someone dragged a cheese grater over a cat's arse....then she let out a loud fart....I used the Dangerfield line...."Did somebody step on a duck?"
The doctor laughed so hard, he had to cease the operation....it did quiet the woman down though.
When I hauled meat and was regularly in coolers and freezers...(especially in the freezers) if someone cut the cheese, that gas bubble would stay in a solid form...it didn't dissipate, and if you walked into it...holy beejebus...you got the full effect...pretty nasty.
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chasingembers
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Post by chasingembers on Apr 12, 2019 1:40:48 GMT -5
I was trying to be good.😂
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Post by McWiggins on Apr 12, 2019 1:45:39 GMT -5
I treat "them" like I treat sneezes and say "bless you".
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Chuckus
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Post by Chuckus on Apr 12, 2019 6:35:40 GMT -5
Speak again oh toothless one!
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Post by roadsdiverged on Apr 12, 2019 6:39:24 GMT -5
A guy I know always says "just dustin' off the ol' cornhole."
The other day my 3 year old niece was in my room sitting on the floor playing with my dog. She "broke wind" and it was loud. She looked up at me and said "what was that?!" I said "that was you!" She shook her head in disagreement and pointed to the dog.
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Post by Cramptholomew on Apr 12, 2019 6:44:03 GMT -5
My grandfather always said, "I hope you didn't leave any on the seat!".
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Post by pepesdad1 on Apr 12, 2019 6:46:50 GMT -5
A guy I know always says "just dustin' off the ol' cornhole." The other day my 3 year old niece was in my room sitting on the floor playing with my dog. She "broke wind" and it was loud. She looked up at me and said "what was that?!" I said "that was you!" She shook her head in disagreement and pointed to the dog. "Speak again oh toothless one!" Why do they blame the dog...doggie gas from the lil ones...always smell like roses, so they say. ...and the big question...what did they use before paper was invented?...better sphincter muscles? |
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stone
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Post by stone on Apr 12, 2019 7:04:38 GMT -5
When my first grandson was a little over two years old, we were camping in the Allegheny National Forest. I woke up very early in the morning and was going to walk to the bathroom when my daughter asked me if I would take my grandson with me. As we were walking to the men's room I was barely awake and I let one go. I said oops I stepped on a duck, I wasn't paying attention to my grandson but he started tugging on my hand and I turned around and asked him what he was doing. He said he was looking for the duck.
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stone
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Post by stone on Apr 12, 2019 7:11:51 GMT -5
My dad had goofy sayings about everything! If the subject of someone's nuts ever came up, he would say "one's the size of a hayseed, the other one's just a little fella"
When he would fart he would say "alright! that's still Workin"
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ShowMeState1977
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Post by ShowMeState1977 on Apr 12, 2019 7:31:00 GMT -5
This thread is a gas!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2019 8:04:40 GMT -5
Just now stepped on a duck, but thanks for asking!!!
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Post by just ol ed on Apr 12, 2019 8:20:13 GMT -5
the oldie about the two middle aged Irish folks:
"one was farty, the other was farty too (two)"
been there done that for eons
Ed Duncan, Batavia, NY
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Post by oldcajun123 on Apr 12, 2019 9:16:30 GMT -5
 I always like the girl who meets her future father in law, sits on sofa , father in law on recliner, Henry his dog by the girl on the floor. The girl experiences gas pain , thinks I’ll let one go and they’ll think it’s the dog. She lets go a sneaky silent horrible one. Nothing said, she thinks damn that went well, they think it’s the dog, so she squeezes out another, to which Father in law jumps up and says HENRY MOVE THAT GIRL IS GONNA 💩 on you.! 
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Post by Darin on Apr 12, 2019 16:33:03 GMT -5
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "seven points!".
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown! Tie score..."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
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Post by roadsdiverged on Apr 12, 2019 16:53:21 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2019 16:54:40 GMT -5
Great Darin.....^^^^^^^^^ I really needed a good laugh today.....thanks👍
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Post by trailboss on Apr 12, 2019 17:44:13 GMT -5
That was funny!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2019 18:06:04 GMT -5
Viewed by over 5 million people................
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Post by pepesdad1 on Apr 12, 2019 18:12:18 GMT -5
Can't believe someone made a video of that...I guess this is the new humor. I have to watch it, when you get old it is just as likely to be a "spotter".
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Post by kbareit on Apr 12, 2019 18:58:12 GMT -5
My Mom told us a story about when she was little my grandfather was taking them swimming and while having lunch before going my mom wouldn't eat her baked beans. My grandfather told her that if she ate her beans she would putt putt putt across the lake. She ate her beans and was disappointed that all she did was fart in the water.
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Post by sperrytops on Apr 12, 2019 19:02:09 GMT -5
I was having my hand sutured after accidentally walking through a plate glass patio door...plate glass...as the doctor was suturing my hand, a woman a few rows over was being extremely dramatic in the ER, screaming like someone dragged a cheese grater over a cat's arse....then she let out a loud fart....I used the Dangerfield line...."Did somebody step on a duck?" The doctor laughed so hard, he had to cease the operation....it did quiet the woman down though. When I hauled meat and was regularly in coolers and freezers...(especially in the freezers) if someone cut the cheese, that gas bubble would stay in a solid form...it didn't dissipate, and if you walked into it...holy beejebus...you got the full effect...pretty nasty. Now that is interesting. What does a gas bubble look like? |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2019 19:04:03 GMT -5
I was having my hand sutured after accidentally walking through a plate glass patio door...plate glass...as the doctor was suturing my hand, a woman a few rows over was being extremely dramatic in the ER, screaming like someone dragged a cheese grater over a cat's arse....then she let out a loud fart....I used the Dangerfield line...."Did somebody step on a duck?" The doctor laughed so hard, he had to cease the operation....it did quiet the woman down though. When I hauled meat and was regularly in coolers and freezers...(especially in the freezers) if someone cut the cheese, that gas bubble would stay in a solid form...it didn't dissipate, and if you walked into it...holy beejebus...you got the full effect...pretty nasty. Now that is interesting. What does a gas bubble look like? Gas bubbles still stink👍 |
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Post by trailboss on Apr 12, 2019 19:28:51 GMT -5
I was having my hand sutured after accidentally walking through a plate glass patio door...plate glass...as the doctor was suturing my hand, a woman a few rows over was being extremely dramatic in the ER, screaming like someone dragged a cheese grater over a cat's arse....then she let out a loud fart....I used the Dangerfield line...."Did somebody step on a duck?" The doctor laughed so hard, he had to cease the operation....it did quiet the woman down though. When I hauled meat and was regularly in coolers and freezers...(especially in the freezers) if someone cut the cheese, that gas bubble would stay in a solid form...it didn't dissipate, and if you walked into it...holy beejebus...you got the full effect...pretty nasty. Now that is interesting. What does a gas bubble look like? It is something you don’t see, but when you experience it, you know it. Some years back, on a cold clammy night in Salinas, a refrigeration technician bled off ammonia used in the refrigeration into the atmosphere instead of draining it into a vessel. That gas bubble floated across the property and into the city transit shop... a bunch of mechanics never saw it, but they got the full effect. |
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Post by Ronv69 on Apr 12, 2019 19:44:39 GMT -5
I was taking a motorcycle trip with 3 of my nephews and we stopped at the Caverns of Sonora. We joined a tour led by a collage girl and joined by a large, noisy bunch of Brownies. As we neared exit, the guide cautioned us to be careful not to step on the rare and protected blind cave toad. No sooner than she said this than my nephew Frankie, the music minister, lets one rip. He says, whoops, I stepped on a cave toad. Hilarity ensued, especially amongst the Brownies.
No actual toads were harmed.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2019 19:52:14 GMT -5
I usually point and say something like, "look there it is! I see it! It just went behind there . . ."
Two old men playing cards and one old man farts.
other old man: "I bet you soiled your britches on that one!"
farting old man: "I bet I didn't",
other old man: "OK your on!"
farting old man: "OK, but remember, old and dry don't count!"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2019 20:06:52 GMT -5
I believe all three are my own creations, certainly the last two.
Floated a biscuit
Laid down a bunt
Suicide Squeeze (if someone sees the effort it took to squeeze it off)
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2019 20:12:37 GMT -5
What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.
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bouwser
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Post by bouwser on Apr 12, 2019 20:23:09 GMT -5
When you let one go, just speed up and yell “jet power”
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Post by Yohanan on Apr 12, 2019 20:34:02 GMT -5
All this talk about breaking wind shouldn't be taken lightly, especially when you are my age, which includes quite a few others here...a simple sneeze or cough, along with the combination of a fart can be deadly...almost always ending with stinky swamp britches , and your shoes or boots being filled with a most odoriferous liquid.
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I always like the girl who meets her future father in law, sits on sofa , father in law on recliner, Henry his dog by the girl on the floor. The girl experiences gas pain , thinks I’ll let one go and they’ll think it’s the dog. She lets go a sneaky silent horrible one. Nothing said, she thinks damn that went well, they think it’s the dog, so she squeezes out another, to which Father in law jumps up and says HENRY MOVE THAT GIRL IS GONNA 💩 on you.! 
