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Post by Plainsman on May 1, 2021 18:49:52 GMT -5
NY plates. $50 haircut. Top down. Pulls into a one-pump gas station and sees an old local sitting under the awning puffing on his cob.
“Hey there, old timer! How long’s this place been dead? Ha-ha!”
“Cain’t be too long. You’re the first buzzard’s shown up.”
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Post by oldcajun123 on May 2, 2021 0:51:02 GMT -5
Why do Seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the Bay they would be bagels!
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jcurtis55
Junior Member
Posts: 324
First Name: Jeff
Favorite Pipe: Winslow Crown Viking
Favorite Tobacco: Dominican Glory Maduro
Location:
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Post by jcurtis55 on May 2, 2021 19:01:49 GMT -5
Three young girls are having a slumber party. One girl asks if their mother's told them where they came from. My mom said I was made by love. The 2nd girl's mom told her she was a gift from god. The third one says, "My mom said I was made by a blizzard and a fifth of Jack."
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Post by terrapinflyer on May 2, 2021 21:14:43 GMT -5
Why does a chicken coop have two doors? . . . . . . . . If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
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Post by trailboss on May 23, 2021 10:01:21 GMT -5
A rabbi, priest, and a shaolin monk walk into a bar.
When they sit down, they begin to debate over which of their religions is the correct one to follow.
After much debate and many drinks, the monk has an idea.
"What if we all tried to convert a very wild, very powerful creature, like a bear, to our own religion? Whoever succeeds must truly be the correct one!"
The other two agree, and they all leave for the night.
The next evening, the priest walks in first, with a couple scratches and bruises. The bartender asks what happened, and he says "I read the book of John to a bear, but that was a bad idea."
The monk walks in next, with a cast on his arm. The priest asked about his experience with the bear, and he said, "meditation next to a bear is a bad idea."
Finally, the rabbi rolls in on a wheelchair, missing a leg, with bandages wrapping the rest of his body. The monk and priest are horrified, and they ask what happened.
"I think... starting with circumcision was a bad idea."
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Post by oldcajun123 on May 23, 2021 10:40:05 GMT -5
Why did the man quit his taxi cab job. ( They were always talking behind his back)!
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Post by pepesdad1 on May 23, 2021 15:46:18 GMT -5
Saw a sign when we were heading out West...hair cuts $2.00...couple miles up the road another sign said "we fix $2.00 hair cuts for $10.00" Thought it was funny. Doesn't take much for an old person to get a chuckle.
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Post by trailboss on Aug 2, 2021 16:02:18 GMT -5
My son in law sent me this one.
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Post by Goldbrick on Aug 2, 2021 20:30:50 GMT -5
Two old gents{ Mr Davis, and Mr Johnson }share a hospital room...Davis is in for a bowel blockage, and Johnson is in for sever stomach pain...Mr Johnson's Doctor comes in and says to his patient, "Mr J ,I have some bad news and some good news...the bad news is, you have an ulcer ,and I must put you on a liquid diet at once" With a sour and most evil look ,Mr J askes, " what's the good news?" the Doctors replies " I'm told there is some wonderful soup on today's menu "... Mr J responds in a loud voice " NO SOUP...NO SOUP TODAY " later, the dietician called the old boy and said ," we have some lovely chicken soup today, some split pea and even some nice potato soup "...ticked off beyond repair, Mr J screamed into the phone "NO SOUP TODAY". Mr Davis awakened by all the fuss, waited for the Mr J to fall asleep ,and checked his own chart to see if he had any such restrictions, he found instead that his future held only an afternoon enema. In a moment of fear he switched charts with his neighbor... An hour later ,when Mr Johnson awoke to find a very large old nurse giving him an enema, he proclaimed "SOUP SOUP SOUP, IF YOU DON'T EAT IT, THEY'LL SHOVE IT UP YOUR a$$.
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Post by Silver on Aug 2, 2021 21:05:06 GMT -5
My son in law sent me this one. And that's a good thing!
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Post by jeffd on Aug 2, 2021 22:28:29 GMT -5
I overheard this:
Things were much better back then. Possibly because you weren't around yet.
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Post by Goldbrick on Aug 23, 2021 16:11:36 GMT -5
If you fart on your wallet, what do you get?....Gas money!
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Post by terrapinflyer on Oct 9, 2021 10:37:32 GMT -5
A minister, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, "What can I get you?"
The rabbit replies, "Nothing. I'm just here because of autocorrect."
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buzz
Junior Member
Posts: 127
Location:
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Post by buzz on Oct 12, 2021 18:35:59 GMT -5
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Post by jeffd on Oct 20, 2021 22:53:06 GMT -5
"Wanna go see a movie?"
"No thanks, I've seen one."
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Post by qmechanics on Oct 22, 2021 2:57:16 GMT -5
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
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rastewart
Junior Member
Posts: 329
First Name: Rich
Favorite Pipe: Freehands, bent bulldogs, and the incomparable Peterson 303
Favorite Tobacco: Mac Baren's Scottish Blend (Mixture), C&D Mountain Camp, C&D Bayou Morning
Location:
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Post by rastewart on Oct 22, 2021 11:43:21 GMT -5
Yeah, I'm stealing that one Charlie Well, I stole it from a pipe club member.😝 We have a saying in our house, after many years observing many pets (and some small children): "Stolen food is best." Same goes for stolen jokes.
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rastewart
Junior Member
Posts: 329
First Name: Rich
Favorite Pipe: Freehands, bent bulldogs, and the incomparable Peterson 303
Favorite Tobacco: Mac Baren's Scottish Blend (Mixture), C&D Mountain Camp, C&D Bayou Morning
Location:
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Post by rastewart on Oct 22, 2021 11:47:56 GMT -5
I had no idea this was how they refilled beer kegs😝 Only mass-market American beer kegs.
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Post by trailboss on Oct 22, 2021 19:59:03 GMT -5
^ Anheuser Busch… I wonder how long that pipe run is to the brewery in St. Louis?
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Post by just ol ed on Oct 23, 2021 14:58:28 GMT -5
mismached ankle socks, mid-weight Haband drawstring pants, one size too small blue gray flannel shirt with long frayed collar & of course, no undies
Ed Duncan, Batavia, NY
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Post by trailboss on Nov 9, 2021 23:46:24 GMT -5
A woman goes to a tattoo parlor and asks the tattoo artist to do a tattoo of Elvis’s face on her left leg right near her crotch. So the guys does it. She gets up to look at it and screams “that looks aweful! That doesn’t look anything like Elvis!” The guy says I think your wrong but to make you feel better I’ll do one on the other side at no charge. She agrees and once again she is fuming! “That doesn’t look like elvis either! I am so angry I could kill you!” The artist says “come on, they both look exactly like Elvis.” To prove it he calls one of his regulars over to decide. The guy looks her over and says “I’m not too sure about the two on either side but that one in the middle is the spit’n image of Willie Nelson.”
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Post by urbino on Nov 9, 2021 23:59:19 GMT -5
Guy goes to the dentist in tremendous pain. The dentist takes a look and says, "You've got two abscessed wisdom teeth back there. We need to get you to an oral surgeon before you get blood poisoning."
So they hustle the guy over to the surgeon. The surgeon comes toward him with a syringe, and the guy says, "Whoa, whoa. What is that?"
The surgeon tells him it's a painkiller. The guy says, "No, no. I'm not good with that stuff. You can't give me that."
So the surgeon starts to strap a mask on him. The guy says, "Wait. What's that?"
"It's laughing gas," the surgeon says. "You don't want me operating on those teeth without something to deaden the pain."
"No, no," the guy says. "No gas, either. That stuff messes with my head."
Finally, the surgeon leaves the room and comes back with a blue pill.
"What's that?," the guy says suspiciously.
"Viagra," the surgeon says.
"What good's that going to do?"
"Well, when I start cutting," the surgeon says, "you're gonna need something to hold onto."
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Post by urbino on Nov 10, 2021 0:00:53 GMT -5
A woman goes to a tattoo parlor and asks the tattoo artist to do a tattoo of Elvis’s face on her left leg right near her crotch. So the guys does it. She gets up to look at it and screams “that looks aweful! That doesn’t look anything like Elvis!” The guy says I think your wrong but to make you feel better I’ll do one on the other side at no charge. She agrees and once again she is fuming! “That doesn’t look like elvis either! I am so angry I could kill you!” The artist says “come on, they both look exactly like Elvis.” To prove it he calls one of his regulars over to decide. The guy looks her over and says “I’m not too sure about the two on either side but that one in the middle is the spit’n image of Willie Nelson.” Gotta love a redhead.
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Post by terrapinflyer on Nov 17, 2021 12:11:42 GMT -5
Why are there Pop-Tarts but no Mom-Tarts?
It's the Pastryarchy!
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Post by Ronv69 on Nov 17, 2021 16:27:09 GMT -5
Why are there Pop-Tarts but no Mom-Tarts? It's the Pastryarchy! Groan, 👍😁
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Post by Legend Lover on Nov 18, 2021 7:52:49 GMT -5
Why are there Pop-Tarts but no Mom-Tarts? It's the Pastryarchy! haha. Brilliant
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Post by isett2860 on Nov 19, 2021 18:53:43 GMT -5
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Post by toshtego on Nov 20, 2021 10:39:42 GMT -5
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Post by Ronv69 on Jan 31, 2022 13:10:09 GMT -5
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Post by terrapinflyer on Jan 31, 2022 14:33:26 GMT -5
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace certain words with the names of musical instruments.
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