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Post by Ronv69 on Feb 15, 2024 23:52:59 GMT -5
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Post by Ronv69 on Feb 15, 2024 23:53:48 GMT -5
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Post by urbino on Feb 15, 2024 23:54:48 GMT -5
"In a surprise move, today, Jerry Jones hired Taylor Swift as the Cowboys' new OC."
- The Onion
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Post by Ronv69 on Feb 16, 2024 0:06:25 GMT -5
If anyone is offended by this, I will delete it. In my old age I just think it's cute.  |
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Post by oldcajun123 on Mar 1, 2024 8:14:41 GMT -5
 A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. "Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager." Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. "Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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Post by urbino on Mar 1, 2024 15:43:20 GMT -5
A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. "Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager." Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. "Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." Haven't heard that joke since summer camp! |
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Post by Ronv69 on Mar 1, 2024 21:01:27 GMT -5
A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. "Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager." Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. "Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." I just hurt myself. |
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Post by trailboss on Mar 1, 2024 23:08:03 GMT -5
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Mrs. Zarnicky
Junior Member
Posts: 396
First Name: Anichka
Favorite Tobacco: (Country Squire) Hunting Creek, Black Arrow. (Sutliff) Vanilla Custard
Location:
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Post by Mrs. Zarnicky on Mar 2, 2024 19:15:09 GMT -5
Mahatma Gandhi walking barefoot most of time. This producing impressive set of calluses on feet. He also eating very little, which making him frail and with his odd diet he suffering from bad breath.
All this making him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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Post by Scott W on Mar 2, 2024 23:49:48 GMT -5
A midget psychic recently escaped an institution not far from here. The authorities are looking for a small medium at large.
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Post by Ronv69 on Mar 3, 2024 18:20:16 GMT -5
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Post by briarpipenyc on Mar 8, 2024 8:33:40 GMT -5
Tax Audit A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered tax evaders. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer, so he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way. "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard now how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S." "The I.R.S.? What would the I.R.S. do with them?" questioned the auditor in disbelief. "I don't know the details, but about once a year, they send us a little prick like you," replied the Rabbi. |
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Post by briarpipenyc on Mar 8, 2024 8:35:29 GMT -5
Tax Audit A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered tax evaders. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer, so he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way. "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard now how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S." "The I.R.S.? What would the I.R.S. do with them?" questioned the auditor in disbelief. "I don't know the details, but about once a year, they send us a little prick like you," replied the Rabbi. Like an old Burlesque comic, I did a spit take with my morning coffee. I see DEPENDS in my future. |
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Post by oldcajun123 on Mar 10, 2024 10:50:31 GMT -5
A tad naughty - Paddy is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mary, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Paddy turns to Mary and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?'' "Sex." he replies. Mary exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," says Paddy, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mary, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mary would hold Paddy's thingie. Then one night Paddy didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mary decided to find him and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Paddy's's little pal! Furious, Mary yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Paddy smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
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Humor.
Mar 21, 2024 9:27:08 GMT -5
via mobile
Ronv69 likes this
Post by trailboss on Mar 21, 2024 9:27:08 GMT -5
Flying on a no frills airline.
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Mrs. Zarnicky
Junior Member
Posts: 396
First Name: Anichka
Favorite Tobacco: (Country Squire) Hunting Creek, Black Arrow. (Sutliff) Vanilla Custard
Location:
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Post by Mrs. Zarnicky on Mar 22, 2024 8:27:15 GMT -5
Flying on a no frills airline. |
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Post by oldcajun123 on Mar 25, 2024 16:26:31 GMT -5
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tree16
Junior Member
Posts: 104
Location:
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Post by tree16 on Apr 4, 2024 7:54:26 GMT -5
A couple quick ones to start your day.
What did one plate say to the other?
Dinner is on me
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
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Post by Ronv69 on Apr 8, 2024 17:42:32 GMT -5
Texas has another tool against illegal immigration.  |
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Post by trailboss on Apr 8, 2024 21:52:28 GMT -5
An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box He opens the lid And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years… He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey… Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash… That evening after dinner he puts two glasses on the table and proceeds to fill them with the whiskey…. He and his wife absolutely swear it’s the best whiskey they’ve ever drunk. This continues for the entire week On that Friday the wife prepares dinner and after clearing the dishes, sees only one glass on the table… She says Hon’ Where’s my glass? Tonight - You drink from the bottle! A lot of funny ones: upjoke.com/irish-whiskey-jokes |
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tree16
Junior Member
Posts: 104
Location:
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Humor.
Apr 9, 2024 17:53:38 GMT -5
via mobile
Ronv69 likes this
Post by tree16 on Apr 9, 2024 17:53:38 GMT -5
Texas has another tool against illegal immigration. Things must be serious, they're sending in the artillery. |
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Humor.
Apr 21, 2024 10:32:28 GMT -5
via mobile
Ronv69 likes this
Post by trailboss on Apr 21, 2024 10:32:28 GMT -5
Tomorrow is earth day, Carlin opines.🤭
Strong Language Warning.
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rastewart
Junior Member
Posts: 360
First Name: Rich
Favorite Pipe: Freehands, bent bulldogs, and the incomparable Peterson 303
Favorite Tobacco: Mac Baren's Scottish Blend (Mixture), C&D Mountain Camp, C&D Bayou Morning
Location:
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Post by rastewart on May 9, 2024 12:19:26 GMT -5
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Post by oldcajun123 on May 26, 2024 6:49:00 GMT -5
Two mechanics at a USA airport are tasked with re-fueling a jet airplane. As it’s a new type, they are provided instructions on properly doing so. One admonition is ‘Don’t drink the jet fuel!’ Puzzled, they check the jet fuel. It smells like- whisky! Curious, they try a drop. It smells, tastes, is exactly like whisky! Heck, it IS whisky! So, they have a pint each, return to re-fueling the plane. A few hours later, one of the men is at home. Suddenly, he feels a wind build-up in his intestines. Then, he gets a phone call from the other man. “Are you feeling like you have to pass gas?” he asks. “Yeah” says the other man. “I guess now we know why not to drink that fuel!” “Well” says the caller, “let it out real slow, I’m calling from Australia!
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Post by trailboss on May 26, 2024 9:26:07 GMT -5
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun.
He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.
"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God." she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack."
The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.
The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.
The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, by my authority I must have sex with you."
She replies "Well if by your authority we must do it. However because of my strong commitment I will only take it in the back door"
The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.
After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus."
With that the nun turns around and says, "Surprise I'm the bus driver."
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Post by trailboss on Jun 23, 2024 17:51:31 GMT -5
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Post by Ronv69 on Aug 1, 2024 22:20:13 GMT -5
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Post by toshtego on Sept 23, 2024 16:37:11 GMT -5
As with many of us oldsters my hearing has declined to the point of isolation. It was advised to get a hearing aid. I finally found one that works in all conditions and all weather. Kind of hard to get through the doors but I do not mind.  |
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Post by toshtego on Sept 27, 2024 16:39:51 GMT -5
Not meaning to make fun of anyone but this is just too much to me. Meal Team Six of The Gravy Seals:  |
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Post by oldcajun123 on Nov 18, 2024 15:31:49 GMT -5
A lady goes into a store to buy some cat food. The cashier says, “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but we need proof that you actually have a cat. Some people nowadays will buy cat food to eat.” The lady finds this odd, but goes home, brings her cat back and is able to buy the catfood. The next day, the same lady goes to the store to buy some dog food. The cashier says, “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but we need proof that you actually have a dog. Some people nowadays will buy dog food to eat.” The lady feels slightly annoyed, but goes home, brings her dog back and is able to buy the dog food. The next day, the same lady goes to the store to buy some baby food. The cashier says, “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but we need proof that you actually have a baby. Some people nowadays will buy baby food to eat.” By now the lady is feeling well and truly irritated, but goes home, brings her baby back and is able to buy the baby food. The next day, the lady goes to the store and approaches the cashier, holding a small box with a hole in the front. “Please put your finger in here.” she says. The cashier gives her an odd look and says, “Absolutely not, you might be hiding a spider in there.” The lady replies, “Please don’t worry, I’m not.” The cashier is still skeptical. “Are you hiding a rat?” “No.” “A snake?” “No.” “Well….All right.” The cashier puts her finger in the box and touches something soft and squishy; she pulls her finger out, smells it and says, “This smells like poop!” “Exactly,” the lady replies. “Now can I buy some toilet paper?” 101.1K view
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A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
