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Post by just ol ed on May 1, 2022 23:33:33 GMT -5
How are a Kansas tornado & a West Virginia deevorce similar?
SOMEbody's a gonna lose a trailer!
Ed's groaner of the day
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Post by Silver on May 1, 2022 23:35:34 GMT -5
How are a Kansas tornado & a West Virginia deevorce similar? SOMEbody's a gonna lose a trailer! Ed's groaner of the day Oh, Ed! |
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Post by urbino on May 2, 2022 0:31:42 GMT -5
How are a Kansas tornado & a West Virginia deevorce similar? SOMEbody's a gonna lose a trailer! Ed's groaner of the day Pretty sure I first heard that one the summer I lived in Virginia. Lotta West VA jokes around there. |
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Post by terrapinflyer on May 2, 2022 5:14:44 GMT -5
How are a Kansas tornado & a West Virginia deevorce similar? SOMEbody's a gonna lose a trailer! Ed's groaner of the day Pretty sure I first heard that one the summer I lived in Virginia. Lotta West VA jokes around there. Like calling a hammer a West Virginia screw driver? New Hampshire has a lot of Massachusetts jokes like that. |
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Post by jeffd on May 2, 2022 8:05:22 GMT -5
How are a Kansas tornado & a West Virginia deevorce similar? SOMEbody's a gonna lose a trailer! Ed's groaner of the day |
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rastewart
Junior Member
Posts: 360
First Name: Rich
Favorite Pipe: Freehands, bent bulldogs, and the incomparable Peterson 303
Favorite Tobacco: Mac Baren's Scottish Blend (Mixture), C&D Mountain Camp, C&D Bayou Morning
Location:
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Post by rastewart on May 3, 2022 13:48:32 GMT -5
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. Each of them orders a pint of Guinness.
No sooner have all the glasses been filled and placed on the bar than three flies swoop in simultaneously and land in the brew, one in each glass.
The Englishman pushes his glass back across the bar and asks the barman to pour him a new one in a clean glass.
The Scot plucks out the fly from his glass, casually flicks it aside, and commences drinking.
The Irishman, furious, picks up his fly with thumbs and forefingers, holds it by both wings, and shakes it over his pint shouting, "Spit it out, spit it out now, ya little gombeen, you won't be havin' none of me Guinness!"
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Post by Plainsman on May 4, 2022 18:49:24 GMT -5
I have personally witnessed similar incidents.  |
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Post by toshtego on May 4, 2022 21:05:49 GMT -5
I read in The Irish Times that the republic had 5,000,000 tons of sand imported from Saudi Arabia. They will soon begin drilling for oil.
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Post by Plainsman on May 4, 2022 21:08:46 GMT -5
There is no coal in Ireland. Odds for oil aren’t good either. Better stick to whiskey and music.
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Post by toshtego on May 5, 2022 10:26:47 GMT -5
There is no coal in Ireland. Odds for oil aren’t good either. Better stick to whiskey and music. and Peat! |
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rastewart
Junior Member
Posts: 360
First Name: Rich
Favorite Pipe: Freehands, bent bulldogs, and the incomparable Peterson 303
Favorite Tobacco: Mac Baren's Scottish Blend (Mixture), C&D Mountain Camp, C&D Bayou Morning
Location:
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Post by rastewart on May 5, 2022 16:02:32 GMT -5
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit, "What'll you have?"
The rabbit says, "I don't know. I'm only here because of autocorrect."
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rastewart
Junior Member
Posts: 360
First Name: Rich
Favorite Pipe: Freehands, bent bulldogs, and the incomparable Peterson 303
Favorite Tobacco: Mac Baren's Scottish Blend (Mixture), C&D Mountain Camp, C&D Bayou Morning
Location:
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Post by rastewart on May 5, 2022 16:04:53 GMT -5
A duck walks into a bar.
(You could stop right there.)
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any duck food?"
The bartender says, "No, we haven't got any duck food! This is a bar! Get out!"
Next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks, "Got any duck food?"
"I told you yesterday, this is a bar! We haven't got any duck food! Get outta here!"
Third day, the duck walks into the bar. "Got any duck food?"
"Look, for the third and last time, this is a bar and we haven't got any duck food. If you come in here and say that again, I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!"
Fourth day, the duck walks into the bar. "Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck food?"
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Post by urbino on May 5, 2022 17:06:16 GMT -5
What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?
A polar bear.
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Post by Silver on May 5, 2022 17:33:18 GMT -5
What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. Do they taste like chicken? |
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Post by urbino on May 5, 2022 18:33:13 GMT -5
What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. Do they taste like chicken? Remarkably like. |
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Post by terrapinflyer on May 5, 2022 20:11:31 GMT -5
You guys still on bears?
Anyway, because of the date, I've been using the word mucho with my Spanish-speaking friends. It means a lot to them.
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Post by Silver on May 5, 2022 22:23:08 GMT -5
You guys still on bears? Anyway, because of the date, I've been using the word mucho with my Spanish-speaking friends. It means a lot to them. Were you speaking like Darth Vader yesterday? |
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Post by terrapinflyer on May 6, 2022 5:01:42 GMT -5
You guys still on bears? Anyway, because of the date, I've been using the word mucho with my Spanish-speaking friends. It means a lot to them. Were you speaking like Darth Vader yesterday? The first time I was hearing those jokes, they went right over my head! I saw the first and maybe second movie when they came out and had no interest beyond that. It's just not my bag. Now, International Talk Like a Pirate Day is one I can get behind, Matey. |
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Mrs. Zarnicky
Junior Member
Posts: 396
First Name: Anichka
Favorite Tobacco: (Country Squire) Hunting Creek, Black Arrow. (Sutliff) Vanilla Custard
Location:
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Post by Mrs. Zarnicky on May 6, 2022 6:16:49 GMT -5
Did you know that Darth Vader had a wife?
Her name was Ella.
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Post by Professor S. on May 6, 2022 14:30:06 GMT -5
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. Each of them orders a pint of Guinness.
No sooner have all the glasses been filled and placed on the bar than three flies swoop in simultaneously and land in the brew, one in each glass.
The Englishman pushes his glass back across the bar and asks the barman to pour him a new one in a clean glass.
The Scot plucks out the fly from his glass, casually flicks it aside, and commences drinking.
The Irishman, furious, picks up his fly with thumbs and forefingers, holds it by both wings, and shakes it over his pint shouting, "Spit it out, spit it out now, ya little gombeen, you won't be havin' none of me Guinness!" This reminds me of another favorite: The CEOs of Anheuser-Busch, Molson, and Guinness all meet in the hotel bar at a brewer's convention. The CEO of Anheuser says, "I'll have a Budweiser." The CEO of Molson says, "I'll have a Coors." The CEO of Guinness says, "I'll have a Coke." The other two look askance at him, and the CEO of Guinness replies, "Well, if you two aren't going to drink beer, I won't either." |
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Post by Legend Lover on May 6, 2022 18:48:08 GMT -5
Did you know that Darth Vader had a wife? Her name was Ella. lol. That's a new one to me. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
Location:
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2022 14:49:43 GMT -5
Were you speaking like Darth Vader yesterday? The first time I was hearing those jokes, they went right over my head! I saw the first and maybe second movie when they came out and had no interest beyond that. It's just not my bag. Now, International Talk Like a Pirate Day is one I can get behind, Matey. Arr!  |
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rastewart
Junior Member
Posts: 360
First Name: Rich
Favorite Pipe: Freehands, bent bulldogs, and the incomparable Peterson 303
Favorite Tobacco: Mac Baren's Scottish Blend (Mixture), C&D Mountain Camp, C&D Bayou Morning
Location:
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Post by rastewart on May 12, 2022 14:45:40 GMT -5
Speakin' o' pirates, a slice o' apple pie be $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas, blow me down.
What be all this palaverin' about, ye arsk?
Why, mate, 'tis as clear as a fresh-drawn cutlass.
Them be pie rates of the Caribbean.
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rastewart
Junior Member
Posts: 360
First Name: Rich
Favorite Pipe: Freehands, bent bulldogs, and the incomparable Peterson 303
Favorite Tobacco: Mac Baren's Scottish Blend (Mixture), C&D Mountain Camp, C&D Bayou Morning
Location:
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Post by rastewart on May 12, 2022 14:48:41 GMT -5
And!
If you get in a sword fight with a pirate and chop him to bits, how many pieces do you get?
...
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...
Sixteen. There are eight bits to the dollar; and pirates are a buck-an-ear.
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Post by Ronv69 on May 12, 2022 15:11:34 GMT -5
There is no coal in Ireland. Odds for oil aren’t good either. Better stick to whiskey and music. and Peat! It's not bad to be downwind of a peat fired power plant. |
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Post by trailboss on May 12, 2022 21:02:09 GMT -5
Did you know that Darth Vader had a wife? Her name was Ella. lol. That's a new one to me. An old farmer went into Atlanta to sell peaches with his two sons. After they sold all the peaches, dad took the two boys to have a drink at the new peach tree hotel. He had been told that a new contraption called an elevator was in the building. As he stood with his boys, a crippled old woman with a tomahawk face entered the elevator. They watched the arrow point to 2,3,4,5,6…etc Then back down to 6,5,4,3,2,1,… The doors opened, a voluptuous woman emerged that was as fine as any man could wish for. As the two sons stood there with their mouths open, dad said “Hurry, got home, go got yer maw!” |
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Post by isett2860 on May 12, 2022 22:07:48 GMT -5
A priest, a rabbi, a lawyer, a blonde, an Irishman, and a dog walk into a bar.
Bartender says, what is this some kind of bad joke?
Courtesy of Garrison Keillor Lake Wobegon
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Post by urbino on May 13, 2022 0:49:01 GMT -5
A priest, a rabbi, a lawyer, a blonde, an Irishman, and a dog walk into a bar. Bartender says, what is this some kind of bad joke? Courtesy of Garrison Keillor Lake Wobegon It is without a pirate. |
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Post by Darin on May 13, 2022 11:09:07 GMT -5
No matter how hard you push the envelope, it will always be stationary.
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Post by Plainsman on May 13, 2022 19:14:24 GMT -5
Humor? Well… maybe…
THE NIGHT WATCHMAN
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do the studies and one was to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created two positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $918,000 over budget, we must cut back." So they laid off the night watchman.
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